The Downward Spiral

I'm in a downward spiraling loop, falling farther each swing, and I am having a hard time pulling out of the dive.

Each day I try to get up with conviction, with joy, with wonder at life. But no matter how hard I try, no matter what variable I alter it seems, there is a certain amount of my life left to chance. And that kills me inside. Because on a day when I wake up after sufficient number of hours in bed and no reason to not be ecstatic in the day, and yet I still just want to crawl under a rock and sleep life away. In that hour, I feel I am a depraved being, living in a shell that is an animatronic life-form, possessing no soul, but with the appearance of intelligence.

It sucks, and I really feel lost, and helpless, and without comfort.

Today I woke up and it was one of those days, to the T. I had slept fine. Not great, but well enough to function fully. I made an easy breakfast of bagels and cream cheese, coffee with milk and sugar. Did not go to davening, because I just didn't have the F's to give, honestly. Like I said, it was one of those days. Went to the house today because we had workmen coming in to do some drywalling in the basement. After that, I came back to the apartment and basically, just... vegged out. I sat watching YouTube all day long, eventually switching that out for Doctor Who on Netflix.

Maybe I'm completely addicted to the internet and to TV in general. I don't do much these days that doesn't involve an LCD. 

I am rather at my wits end. I am struggling to be happy, and it feels like that's the end of it. It's weird though, I don't feel sad or depressed exactly. I just feel.... detached. I feel a lack of desire to care. Of course I do care, I just don't want to anymore. I want to work hard and make lots of money, I want to make awesome movies, but mostly I want to make people happy. I know my wife loves me, and I have my family, but I wish I could make everyone happy. I mean I want to make my clients happy customers, and I want to have good friends. The important things in life. Family, friends, comfort, making a difference. That's where my values lie, and yet my conviction wavers.

Perhaps I'm mistaking depression for laziness. Perhaps laziness begat depression, or vice versa. I just don't know, and I don't know what to do about it.

From experience, food does play a part. On Thursday I'm slated to begin my 10 day juice fast. I'll probably lose about 15 lb., and I'll feel so much more energetic. I just hope it's the push I need to reset my convictions and to accomplish my goals.